My heart hurts.

[Note: This is me, unexposed, with my real thoughts with real emotions.]

Something just doesn't feel right. Am I going crazy? Out of nowhere I started crying. My mom called to tell me something and time I answered the phone my eyes welled up with tears and I did everything I could to not cry and by the end of the two minute conversation my voice was quivering and tears were streaming down my face. Finally we hung up and I continued to cry. While on the phone, once she heard my voice becoming shaky, she asked was something wrong, and I immediately, with a harsh voice, said “No! Nothing’s wrong!” because I don’t know if something is wrong or not. I honestly feel lost. My heart hurts. I hate Valentine’s Day, and walking around Wal Mart tonight having to pass all of the stuffed animals, and chocolate hearts, and candy galore, knowing I won't be getting any of those things, made my heart break a little. My heart already has bandaids on it, so I guess I need another one. After having run-ins with three different guys from my past within the last two weeks, I’ve started to beat myself up again, continuously asking myself what’s so wrong with me. Do I really think something’s wrong with me? No, but it just seems like the only thing to do sometimes. Do I honestly want a Valentine? Kind of, but only for Monday and then I don’t want it anymore. I just want to feel noticed. I want to feel like if I went M.I.A. for a few days that someone would notice and would want to know where I had been. Am I wrong to feel this way? I don’t know. I’m just a normal, early 20’s, emotional wreck wondering where I will be in ten years. Will I be single, living with ten dogs, drinking a bottle of wine a night? I hope not, but I do wonder. With V-Day slapping me in the face at every turn, I just want to stay in bed, under the covers, listening to sad songs. But I know I can’t do that because life goes on. Feeling lost and unimportant is one of the worst feelings. I feel like I’m having to put all the effort in my friendships lately too and that really bothers me. Friendships work both ways, but I feel like I’m driving down a one way street. And that hurts. I’ve mentioned before that I’m going Kappa alum in May, and with it mid-February already approaching, that means May is getting closer too. Lately, I’ve started to wonder where my life is going to go after going alum. I’m afraid I’m going to lose some of my friendships because I won’t be active and in-the-loop anymore. I know that I worry entirely too much, I’ve been told that practically all of my life but it’s just a part of who I am. Right now I feel like my life is like a spinning top, spinning really really fast at first and now it’s spinning out of control, wobbling, about to fall- and it’s scary. I guess I’m a little unhappy with where I am in my life right now and I feel like I’m stuck in a hole and can’t figure out how to climb out of it. I know it bothers my mom to hear me cry randomly on the phone but I honestly can’t put my finger on what’s really wrong enough to tell her or anyone else. I know I’ll get through this rough patch, and I know I’ll be ok, but right now it just sucks! I hate feeling like a cry baby, but I’m human and I have feelings and sometimes I just can’t help it. Sorry for babbling and being pitiful, but I just needed to vent and get off my chest. I have this blog to document my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I guess this falls into the ugly category and I’m ok with putting this into the world because it’s a part of who I am and I’m not trying to hide who I am. I think it’s time for me to head to bed and regroup. And for those of you still reading, thank you for taking the time to still read this and I hope you don’t think I really am crazy for feeling all of these mixed up emotions.

XOXO, Michelle