Body image.

First off I want to say a big thank you to Kasey Lynne, Portuguese Prepster, and L for such sweet and thoughtful comments on my rather emotional blog last night. They mean the world to me and I really do appreciate the kind words and thoughts. Ya'll are amazing!

My day today was much better than yesterday. I spent my day with a handful of sisters at the "Getting Involved Fair" passing out cookies and talking about Kappa (well not so much). We were the only sorority out of six to sign up and show up so it looks good for us that we take the initiative to get involved on campus. The girls and I mostly stood around talking about Kappa amongst ourselves aka gossiping, what we do best. But as far as my overall mood (esp compared to yesterday), today was a good day. And I'm glad, because I don't know if I could have handled another day like yesterday, it was miserable.

But on to a more serious topic of conversation...
I want to address the topic of body image real quick. Over the weekend I found out that one of my sorority sister's is (or was) bullemic. She had kind of kept it hidden from us because she wasn't sure how we would all react but once she got it off her chest she saw how supportive we all were and it made her feel more comfortable with talking about her ordeal. She is such a sweet, precious young lady that I literally can't help but smile when I see her and today I saw her in the Union and I ran over to her and gave her a giant hug! Later, she left me a Facebook comment saying that my hug made her day and that she loved me. That's what I love about sisterhood. But back to the topic -- Eating disorders are common amongst teens and college kids nationwide and while I don't have an eating disorder I do have an issue with my body image. As you've read in previous posts, I'm not shy nor am I going to hide anything from my readers because I'm a normal girl just like everyone else and there are times were we all have this problem and it's better to talk about our problems than to keep them bottled up inside. Right? Right. So here it is-- No, I do not think I'm "fat" but I do think there are areas that need to be slimmed up, mostly in my tummy region. I do have an ass and dancer thighs, two things of which I can't exactly get rid of but the main region I want to lose is my tummy. I look thin in clothes, but it's the way I look in less than that that makes me cringe. Literally cringe. I don't know what to do to lose the weight. I've stopped drinking excessive amounts (practically all together). I've stopped eating fatty fast food like Micky D's so much. I've made a plan to eat out only once a week, and that's Chick-fil-A because I have a weekly lunch date there with one of my sisters. I've made a point to drink more water. And I really do plan to work out more but I'm so self conscious (sp?) at the gym that I avoid going. When it warms up I want to start walking the track at our gym on campus everyday because I honestly get so bored doing things in the gym. I just, I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I feel like being the size that I am is keeping me from getting attention from guys. I have this looming idea in my head that no guy likes and/or wants me because I'm not skinny. Yessss, I know this idea is ridiculous, I realize that, but I can't help it. We are faced with the images of being sticks constantly. Not only do we have to look at straw-sized chicks on the television and in movies, but now we there are shows about obese people such as Heavy on A&E and I Used to be Fat on MTV. Where's the happy medium people at? Geez. I don't want to be sickly thin, but I want to look healthy and I don't feel as if I look healthy but I need help getting to that point and I just don't know how. I went and bought 2 packs of Slim Fast today (that's 12 cans). Don't hate on Slim Fast, because I used to drink it every morning years ago because it's hard for me to eat in the morning because I always feel sick after I do and drinking Slim Fast made it possible for me to get energy in the mornings. Recently, I've tried eating Special K in the mornings but 30 minutes after I eat I feel sick and am miserable for about an hour or so. And in a way, yes, I'm hoping the Slim Fast will help me out a little. I refuse to take diet pills because they screw with your metabolism. It all boils down to I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I think the reason I'm "scared" to try and dress cute is because I'm uncomfortable in those clothes because they fit tighter than my Norts and tshirts and so I feel like you can see every bump or bulge. I'm so uncomfortable in blue jeans and I've started buying large tshirts from Kappa and fraternities because they're so big on me that you can't see any little imperfection. Mediums just weren't cutting it anymore. Plus I'm 5 foot 8, and mediums and smalls aren't long enough for my torso. I want to wake up and be able to take a shower and not get out and hate looking in the mirror. This is something I'm trying to make a positive effort to change. I hear constantly that "I look fine", and while I appreciate that, I feel like my personal opinion of myself matters too. I wanted to get the topic out in the open because this is honestly something many of us struggle with, we just don't talk about it. Well I'm choosing to talk about it. And if any of ya'll want to talk about it, email me, and we will talk, I promise.

XOXO, Michelle