I am my own worst enemy.

I am not ashamed to admit that I'm one unhappy girl right now. You may judge me if you must, but my blog is not for judging eyes, only objective ones. I've said before that I want to be utterly and hurtfully honest with what I write and this blog is also cheap therapy. Wine nor doctors come cheap anymore...

So, as I just said, I am not very happy right now. I don't know what's going on with me to  be honest. Friday I just felt really out of body and like I just needed to cry, but couldn't. That same day, I also felt like a million different emotions were swirling through my brain and my body. As I sat there I started thinking about my past, my future and my present. Where have I been? Where am I going? Where am I right now? I decided that I needed a week away from Statesboro to reanalyze and reevaluate my life and the things within it, so Saturday morning I got up, packed a bag and set out for home, and here I sit.

Sometimes I feel like I run away from things in my life by coming home when things get tough or I get upset. It may not necessarily be "running away" but it isn't facing the problem. Part of the reason why I think I run home when I'm feeling down is because I know that my parents have unconditional love for me and sometimes you just need to be with people that accept you for you, good and bad.

I feel like I'm floundering. I feel like I'm walking aimlessly around in circles. I'm searching for something. 

I'm searching for myself, for happiness... for answers. 

I want to know why I can't seem to make lasting friendships. Why am I always hopping from group to group? I don't mean that I lose friends like college kids lose koozies, I mean that I have never had that set group of best friends that have been through thick and thin for years. I know girls that have been best friends since they were five. I've never had that. I've never had that true best friend and I don't know why. I'm a good friend, or at least I've always thought I was a good friend. I've also always had a lot of friends. I now have an entire fraternity of sisters, but I can't help but wonder how many of them will I stay in contact with, not because I don't want to, just because it doesn't happen. I graduated high school four years ago with 300+ people and I talk to maybe 3 of them on a semi-normal basis, if that. 

I want to know why I can't obtain and keep a guy. Am I just not date-worthy? I think I am, but survey says-- no. I know that I haven't fully gotten over my past "momentary lapses in judgement" but I honestly don't think you ever really get over them. You just choose to look past them and push them away and I haven't figured out how to fully do that yet. I think I embody many great qualities a guy would/should look for. I feel like I'm just never good enough though, honestly. When a guy and I quit talking and things don't go as I wished, I emotionally beat myself up. Instead of looking at the both of us, seeing that maybe we just weren't compatible, I instantly place all of the blame on myself and build another set of bricks, just walling myself and my heart up even more.

I am my own worst enemy. 


I have a hard time letting people in. I have a hard time trusting people because as soon as I give some people a little bit of trust, they hurt me. 


I'm damaged goods.

I know that you shouldn't be defined by the friends you pal around with or the boyfriend on your arm, but in college, when you're constantly surrounded by these things, you can't help by ask, why? Why me? Where is mine?

I just want to be happy, whatever it takes, whatever it means. I'm hoping to use this summer as a chance to really attempt to find myself and to do things that makes me happy. The only person that can make me happy is myself. I'm determined. I deserve to be happy and happy I will be.

I feel like this was just a bunch of aimless rambles, and I'm sorry. I promise I started this with good intentions.