To be honest, I'm scared.

After having countless failed relationships and just as many heart-to-hearts with close girl friends, I still find myself beating myself up over things, and I mentioned this last week. Today, a guy friend whom I've talked to every day for the past two and a half months decided he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I must mention that as of 6pm yesterday he was the same person as always but today was someone different. Someone I don't like. Even though he and I were just friends, it still hurt, and was still a total slap in the face. I will admit that he and I have had a flirty friendship all along and while I never assumed he liked me, I did assume he liked me enough as a friend to treat me with respect but I was obviously wrong. Even though we had no relationship, I still found myself asking 'what did I do wrong?' and 'why am I not good enough?' because in my crazy mixed up head, I guess I felt like these questions still applied. So with this issue in the forefront of my mind, I can't help but rewind back through all my previous relations, relationships, friendships, etc and wonder... Am I pushing the 'nice guys' away because I'm afraid something is wrong with me and I don't want to damage them like my past has damaged me? The answer is yes. My mom has said numerous times that I have such a high wall up that the right guy could be standing in front of me and I wouldn't even notice. I always reply by saying that I feel like I will know when I meet him and it just hasn't happened yet. But in all honesty, how will I know when and if I do meet him or if I already have? I have no idea. I'm scared that I'll always be alone because I'm so afraid of being hurt. You would think that after all of this time that picking up the pieces would be easier, but it isn't. I've always had a hard time with letting go of the douchebags from my past and there are times where I try to make a conscious effort to move forward but everytime I do I feel like something happens and I take two steps back. I'm scared that I'm going to be a bitter old woman that downs bottles of wine at night while watching Murder She Wrote on the Hallmark channel. I guess part of my problem is that I don't know any effective ways to get past my past. I think I've become a 'committement phobe' because I feel like I can't take getting hurt again, and again, and again. There are only so many places for bandaids on my heart, and I think I'm running out of room. Just when I think I'm able to peel them off without them hurting, something else happens and I can't. I know it sounds ridiculous. I feel like it's unfair to start a relationship with someone because I'm not willing to give a part of me to them because I spend almost all of my time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I could figure out how to move past all of this and give people a chance because I deserve to be happy and appreciated just as much as anyone else and I know that. Just like I know I can't continue to beat myself up and put myself down all of the time, it's unhealthy.

About the douchebag friend -- I did delete his number out of my phone.

XOXO, Michelle